stuffed animals and realism

Recently I've been applauding myself for getting work done in my independent studies, but I think that I've gone astray in my praise. Tonight I sat down and read four chapters in Introduction to Zen Buddhism, which has proved to be…ahem…enlightening… and three chapters in Quaker Education in Theory and Practice, which, believe it or not, I am reading for fun and to better understand how a meeting for business ought to function in an educational community. I also typed up my notes to Simple Guide to Shinto, but that's where I realized where I have been going wrong. When I read literature for any of my English classes, I don't tend to take notes (or highlight the text, which may be a poor decision), but when I try to read things for my study in Eastern religions and philosophies, I take tons of notes. I mean, I'm overdoing it. And that is why I think I'm a lot further behind than I would like to be. On the plus side, I found several other good books today to help with my literary studies, though with the center cleaning project tomorrow and Behind the Mask on Thursday, I doubt I'll have much pleasure time tomorrow night.

Anyhow, beyond the boring topic of academics, today was a really beautiful, moment filled day. I had envisioned myself getting a haircut today after biking into town, yet for some reason, probably because of the rainy weather, I have decided to put that off until either Thursday (if I wake up early enough) or Friday. Instead, I came home and completed some reading. For some reason, I chose to go to the window to see what the great outdoors looked like when I was confronted by two crows atop of the roof next door. I watched them for a while and drew from it a poem which I am actually extraordinarily satisfied with. It has broken my recent theme of bashing my inability to rhyme and self discovery. I suppose these are important themes, but at the same time, I belive that poetry should be a reflection of the external beauty of the world as it appears in the mirror of the author's mind and experience. The author's mirror warps the experience, showing beauty where others may never have noticed it before, and thus sharing that unique beauty with the rest of the world. Self-reflection, therefore, only remains to be doubly warped and obscure, and though it can be a rewarding topic, is often more aptly reflected in fiction than in poetry, although I laugh because, again, I have referred to fiction as a place for self reflection. We're all fictitious after all.

After my brief encounter with the Buddhist blackbirds, I was invited out to dinner. Although I was not sure if I truly wanted to go or not, I decided that I had spent a decent amount of time in my cave, so I went. We ended up meeting up with another student from the EAC who is Japanese. After searching endlessly for a place that would satisfy us, and many smiles about clocks that had day glow faces and rhythm of life occurrences, we were at a standstill. Yet somehow, the Japanese student selected this moment to have a burst of genius, and suggest that we try to be adventurous, and go to this restaurant where mice were likely to be running around in the walls. I was not sure what to think of this potential "experience," but at last we decided to give in to the will of adventure. At first, when we got to the dingy hole-in-the-wall restaurant, I was skeptical, but the guy was amazingly nice and we had all sorts of language exchange experiences, trying to talk to the other customers. The food was delicious, and the owner (and chef) made a special dish for the girl I was with who is vegetarian. I imagine that it may be one of the few 100% vegetarian meals that she has had here in Japan that she hasn't cooked herself. We left the restaurant very full and in a cheery mood. We saw some sights along the way, cutting through a temple (which may have been Kinkakuji, although I am still not quite certain where it is), where I insisted on taking pictures of everything, even in the dark.

When we got home, it was not yet very late, but the bike cubby was very dark. In my clumsiness, I ended up knocking over the entire row of bikes and had to struggle to pick them all up again. Bikes are fantastic for getting around, but they are cumbersome when you're not riding them! On the note of bikes, I was able to make all of the hills tonight, which is a victory, since usually I give up and walk my bike up the two steepest. Perhaps Japan really is getting me in shape.

I'm going to bed now, quite satisfied since I have my Kappa Delta bear at my side for the first time since being here in Japan (Mom sent him to me in the mail today). As silly as it is, it's wonderful to have a piece of "home" to hold on to.

constant movement

I had hoped that coming to Japan would help me let go of the things that worry me back home, yet I'm holding on to them, electronically. I know that my computer is a fantastic resource for me, but I also know that it makes people feel a lot closer than they are and that can be a bad thing. I find myself too often concerned with what is going on in the States, which is not where my mind should be. I would like to believe that I am capable of living each day in the moment and of being fully present in where I am and no where else, but at the same time, I tend to carry around a constant concern for the future.

Yet I was thinking a great deal today, perhaps later than it really counted, but at least I have now done the thinking. I realize that I am on a journey and I will continue growing, but that tomorrow doesn't have to be a huge turning point and that no one thing, no matter how much I have my heart set on it, will prevent me from continuing to grow and develop into a more fully capable human being in all capacities of the term. Yes, there are things that could speed me along the way, but I have to remember that opportunities present themselves at the right time. I cannot know whether or not I am spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically ready for the opportunities that my heart is set on. Of course, I value them for a legitimate reason, and there is no doubt that these dreams have played and will continue to play a role in my life, yet I do not know when I will be ready for these dreams to be realized. I do know that nothing will go "wrong" since what we perceive as setbacks are simply road signs leading us in the proper direction, even if I don't get what I want. Our desires and our path often split in opposite directions.

Yet as Bryan says, the mind creates our reality. I have confidence in myself. I have confidence in my dreams, and I really do believe that what I "want" is equivalent to taking the next step along my path. It is nice to have an idea of where I am headed without knowing where it will take me, but for now, I cannot think of the might be's, I have to worry about this moment, which is in today and extends not far past my palms. Perhaps it does extend to the keys on this keyboard which plunk away, ever faithful, even when I know not what words to give them.

reading...and not far beyond

Okay, so I didn't wake up today until 6:30, PM. Funny thing is, the girl in the room beside me did the same thing. Our sleep patterns have been pretty in line recently and I'm starting to wonder if it's because our beds are so close together. If it weren't for the paper thin wall, we would be sleeping right next to each other.

When I managed to eat and get myself pulled together, I did my Japanese homework and got a significant amount of my music organized and read a good deal of the Kafka novel that I picked up over at the center. I have so much pleasure reading to get done and so little time, I wonder if I'll actually read myself into oblivion. Believe me, I've gotten pretty close before.

a little tambourine

I am always amazed at the amount of fun that a little adventuring can warrant. Today we did ikebana, Japanese flower arranging, at the International Community House. I really enjoyed it, since I arrange flowers back home, and have often thought of becoming a florist as a fall-back career. It was difficult, since we only had a limited number of specimens to work with, thus making it very hard to make a unique arrangement. All the same, I enjoyed trying. Afterwards, we chose to get bus passes and head downtown where we visited Neomart (a very cool store, though not very Japanese) and saw the sights. We ate at a fantastic restaurant where I had a salad and some kushi (fried things). We were headed away from downtown towards the bus stop to head home when I heard an interesting sound. Rhythm. We followed it and discovered two Japanese guys playing Brazilian music. They were really nice and tried to teach us to play their instruments and were singing in Portuguese. The one guy had spent a year in Brazil and had brought that knowledge back with him. I really enjoyed listening to them play, and one of the girls here who has visited Brazil showed me how to samba and dance to Brazilian music. Believe me, it involves a lot of hip movement and I was tired after dancing for only a little while.

I think the best part about the interaction was that it reminded me that we really do live in one world. Just as I am coming here to Japan and learning what I can in the hopes that I can bring a little of the knowledge back to the States, these guys were sharing the Brazilian culture that they had acquired with the people in their home country. Plus, Brazilian music really makes you feel good.

We rode the bus home and then several of us hung out in my room, contemplating nothing and mostly sitting in silence watching the smoke from my incense, every once in a while discussing the community as it exists and our plans for Saint Patrick's Day (one of the guys here is Irish). This weekend is shaping up, with SPD on Thursday, a wine and cheese party on Friday, and the beginning of our field trip on Saturday. We won't be back until Tuesday of next week, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll get much work done between now and then.

As it stands, it's far too late at night for me to be thinking of such things when I should be sleeping, and sleeping it is.

I had my midterm today and I thought it went reasonably well. I feel confident in the fact that I studied and did a lot better than I thought I would do. I got to talk to Bryan for a while about ideas of community. I feel like the community here is small, so you get to see how different dynamics work and then you can see how those dynamics do or do not exist within a larger community like William and Mary or like the United States or like the world. Obviously, not every dynamic can be considered on an international level, but it’s still really interesting to think about.

I also go to e-mail some people I’d been meaning to get in touch with and to talk to Miranda for a while, which was really good for me. It’s always wonderful to talk with someone who will be honest about what is going on in the lives of the people back home since I’m so far away and have no way of knowing, but am still, at times, concerned for their wellbeing.

I also got to talk to one of my old housemates. I realized that before moving in with him this year, I didn’t really know who he was as an individual. I knew that he was friends with my friends, but I have learned that this isn’t enough. I had grown tired of basing my relationships solely on whether or not a person is a friend of my friends. I began to look at people as individuals who I had something to share with and learn from. In doing this, I think I’ve discovered a much richer world in which I can think about people as separate from a larger group. There is nothing wrong with being a part of a group, and often the people within a group will share things in common, but that is no reason to stereotype anyone into taking on a group identity. I believe that this is something we do far too often. We should be looking at people for who they are, not where they come from, what they are interested in, not only what their major is, and what is special about them, not what is just like everyone else.

We’ve talked a little bit in my Japanese Minorities course about how in Japan, people only understand and accept compliments which compare them to being “just like everybody else.” This is because there is a strong sense of homogeneity here in Japan and identity is linked more to the group than it is to the individual. Yet, I think that this can make us machines. In Player Piano, the Vonnegut book that I am reading right now, there is a system set up in which machines have replaced people and computers determine who gets to do what job based on scores of exams taken after high school and college. These people are identified by a number and a title, Dr. this and Dr. that. When you think about it, though, group identity can turn people into a machine, or at least a functioning mechanical part of a greater whole. However, I don’t believe that a community or group should be based off of the one part of a whole idea. Everyone is their own whole, whether or not they belong to a group. Sure, 1+1+1+1+1=1 doesn’t seem to make that much sense, but no one ever said that humans had to obey the laws of mathmatics. Or perhaps the equation would have to read a+b+c+d=1 since every individual is going to be different. Perhaps the true situation is somewhere in between. I believe that people must be looked at as individuals, yet individuals who are all different. I have found that my friendships and my view of the world as a whole has been immensely changed by forcing myself to not take labels as a representation of who a person is. I wish that my thoughts were more conclusive on the matter, but I’m still thinking and figuring it out. Hell, I haven’t even finished Player Piano yet. I think that it’s one of those issues that may never have a resolution, but I think by people individually making the effort to look at it differently, an overall difference can be made.

I started in one place and ended up in another. Hopefully in this weekend I will find new beginnings all over again.

taking and making tests

Class went well today, and I spent the majority of the night studying for my midterm tomorrow. I think that I’m ready, but I’ve never been very good with languages. Yet, for some reason, Japanese seems to be coming to me much easier than English ever did. I think I will continue my study of Japanese language. If I get really good, it is possible that I could work as a translator of Japanese texts into English, although I am not sure I would want that to be my primary job. I just think it’s useful to have a second language, and French and I parted ways a while ago. While I retained some of it…I’m afraid to start it again at W&M for fear that I’ll lose the met requirement. At the same time, I have to have a foreign language for grad school, and I’d like to continue Japanese. I only hope that I can take it pass/fail, since I am not sure foreign languages and my GPA would get along very well.

Studying today went really well, and one of the people I was studying with told me that I made a very good practice test. I thought it was cool that he thought my test was hard since he’d had an entire semester of Japanese before coming here. Someday maybe I will be making tests for people to take. It’s certainly a thought.

author of my own book

I got to talk to my mom and Bryan on the phone tonight, which is always a really good experience. I really do care about my family and my friends and it’s really cool that Bryan has been able to hang out with my mom over spring break and get some work done for her. I also really enjoy knowing that he’s gotten to be in a comfortable place with a family to take care of him, but one that is not his own…so that he can really feel concerned about doing his work instead of doing things with and for his family. Sometimes I think that vacations are hard, because you go home and want to relax, but just find yourself faced with another set of things which you must do. I think it’s really good to spend that time away from the stresses that come from being in your home or in your hometown sometimes. It allows you an opportunity to really relax without all of the usual temptations of home.

Bryan and I talked probably until 1 AM ish when I begged him to get off the phone. I think communication is good, but overdoing it is not so good. I then spent a few hours getting ready for bed and cleaning and reading Vonnegut. I read Welcome to the Monkey House earlier this week, but I really didn’t enjoy it that much. I thought that some of the stories were good, but all in all, they lacked something that made Cat’s Cradle and Breakfast of Champions stand out to me. Vonnegut forwards the book mentioning that many of the stories were written for financial reasons. I wondered if writing to support oneself and writing to write for the sole purpose of writing could be that different, but I already realized that the answer was yes. As much as I say that I would really like to write for a living, I think that relying off of that income makes a writer more prone to sacrifice him or herself for the purpose of making money. I have a friend right now who is living at the beach and writing poetry just to write it. I’m envious. I’ve always imagined that my life could be like that, but I have never gotten a chance, and I don’t know if I ever will. I think that I put too much pressure on myself to have a family and make a living that I can’t dedicate the time needed to write. Then again, if I am meant to write, perhaps a book will simply burst forth from me without me having any control over it at all.

I do know, though, that I have changed my writing style a lot, and I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing. I used to write witty short stories that twisted and turned and ended in shock but usually only ran a page or two. Now I write mostly descriptive poetry. I am not sure where my heart is, I simply know that I write to fit whatever mood I am in, searching for the form to best express that. Yet, if I am going to do a creative writing senior project, which I have considered, I don’t know which I would rather do.

Speaking of…I am considering changing my major. I feel like I have not been able to engage in much scientific activity since I’ve come to William and Mary. I don’t just mean doing experiments in a laboratory…but a certain type of critical thinking that accompanies the sciences that doesn’t exist in the humanities. I have had a social issues course this semester that has really allowed me to start thinking about the way that social constructions work, and I’m really interested. I’m considering looking into the Sociology and Psychology departments when I get back to school…but I am also curious as to whether I could use an LCST designation to incorporate women’s studies, psychology, and sociology into a secondary major that would supplement what I’m doing in my English major. I know that all of this means giving up philosophy, but I’ve realized that as useful as it is, I can’t live with the clouds in my head forever. Sometimes I like to have clarity. I feel like understanding people better and society better would allow me to have a little more of that.

Who knows how I’ll feel by the end of this semester, I just know that my academic life may be taking a drastic turn.

language exchanges missed and recieved

I slept through the time I would usually talk to Bryan and Mom today. That was frustrating, but I did get a lot else accomplished. I came to school and found that I had gotten a reply to my language exchange. I quickly completed my errands for the day and showered, did some of my homework and headed out to meet the guy who had e-mailed me. My first language exchange was a really good experience. I got help with my homework and met someone who was willing to force me to speak Japanese, as much as I resisted, at times. He’s about 27 and spent a year in Australia, so beyond Japanese he has a lot to teach me. Also, he was a philosophy major in college, so I think it will be interesting to see where our conversations take us. I’m looking forward to doing more language exchanges in the future, though I am a little bogged down right now with e-mails. It’s a swarm of people all at once, and I am not sure which exchanges will turn out the best, so it’s confusing. But I have plenty more e-mails to respond to. I guess we will see.

It seems that a pattern has developed of my Mondays being very stressful. I feel so overwhelmed by everything that has built up over the weekend that I’m close to exploding by the time I get to talk to everyone. Today I did explode. I was in tears due to my sheer lack of ability to talk to my mom and Bryan and everyone else all at once and prepare for class at the same time. I guess we can’t do everything all the time, but I sure do try. I feel like my e-mails and “things to do” list pile up over the weekend as far as it relates to doing things online, since my only Internet source comes from the center.

And my busiest day of class is Monday: two hours of Japanese and three of Behind the Mask. By the time I’m done with the day, I’m close to collapsing in a heap, feeling like I got nothing accomplished. Today though, I didn’t let that happen.

Although I was frustrated early in the day, I realized that there are other ways to communicate with people. I spent most of the night preparing letters and things to send home to my family and some of my friends. It was a good feeling and I got to express a lot of my thoughts and sentiments into personal letters that I know people will have to hold onto when they miss me or are having a bad day and whatnot. By the end of the night, I was covered in ink, smelled like incense, and was exhausted, but I felt really good about it. I had been really productive and fell asleep smiling.

adventure day

Some days were just meant for adventure. Today was one of those days. I woke up early enough and set off for the International Community House by bus with Shenea. We had a map, though not a very good one, and we had a time of finding it. Luckily, we ran into two nice high schoolers who decided to take us there, since they didn’t speak enough English to give us directions. I posted at the ICH for a language exchange and then went to the library and picked up a bunch of magazines that they were giving away for free including some on the Middle East, India, and New Africa. I also got a hippy magazine that had an ad for Dr. Broner’s on the back. When we were done looking through the library, we headed back for the bus stop, stopping in some stores along the way to shop. It was fun to finally be out in Kyoto and able to look around and discover what is in those doorways that look so interesting while you’re riding the bus. I felt like it was a really good day in which I got a lot accomplished. Then again, maybe it was just being outside, being able to see for myself. When we finally got home, Shenea and I realized we were starving. We were looking for a restaurant when I mentioned Laa Jaawab. I had never eaten Indian food before, so she decided we should go. She has been to India before and taught me the proper way to eat Indian food. I really enjoyed getting out of my comfortable culinary box, and trying something new. Plus, it was pretty good! Really good, actually. I’m looking forward to eating more ethnic foods in the future. I went home thankful that I had spent an entire day venturing away from what I was used to.

falling behind

I’m going to be honest. I haven’t written in a week. This post and the following posts through March 10 were wrote far after the fact. I lost this week, happily, to writing, beauty, and Kurt Vonnegut. All in all, I believe that these are worthwhile reasons. I just wanted to address the fact that these next posts will be more retrospective, and therefore may be a little different and confusing. I will pretend, however, that I am writing them as if it JUST happened, in order to go along with the general theme of my weblog.

Friday has been really wonderful. I cannot really remember how class went or what I did or whether or not it was important because tonight was filled with so much. We had Tai Chi tonight over at the Gosho (old Imperial Palace) so we rode our bikes over. It was a little cold, but much nicer than it has been. It started raining a little bit, but I was so focused that it only added a pleasant element to everything going on. We were taking a short break and I noticed a rainbow forming in the sky beside us…we stopped to look at it, and as we looked it grew more and more intense, one of the most beautiful rainbows I have ever seen, and as it grew in color, I began to see that it was touching the ground within my field of vision. I looked, and I could also see the other side touching the ground within a grove of trees. I had seen a rainbow before. I have even seen three rainbows at the same time. But never before have I seen where a rainbow begins and ends. Of course, it’s all relative, and there is no actual ending point to a rainbow, but it was still beautiful to see it reaching all the way down to a point in the woods beside the Imperial Palace in Kyoto. Sometimes the things that impress you the most overseas are the things you could have seen in your back yard if you’d had the right timing.

I finally got the timing right, at least as far as rainbows are concerned, and I could have stared at that sky forever, had the rainbow not disappeared into the clouds. Yet, with that, the sun began to set beautifully on the other side of the sky, so all we had to do was turn to still be confronted with the world’s natural beauty. There is nothing that gets me quite the way a beautiful sunset does. This was nothing compared to the one I saw on my way home from Williamsburg right before I left, but it was still really nice.

Afterwards, we went to liquor mountain, which, despite its name, happens to have a lot of foreign products like good, yummy cheeses and pickles. I got blue cheese, mozzarella, and cheddar. After shopping, we went to a sushi restaurant that has a conveyer belt that goes around and around and you just grab what you want and eat it. I probably spent about 10 dollars on sushi, but it was completely worth it and I left stuffed. I spent the rest of the night in my room, I think, trying to figure out what would rock my world the most. I probably decided on reading, and being completely oblivious to everything around me. That’s one of my favorite ways to spend weekends.

caring communication

I just finished my reading for the night. I did the math and I’ve done about 350 pages of reading for my independent studies…which I feel pretty good about. I mean, it’s really not that much work, but considering I have had so many other things going on, I’m glad that I’ve gotten that much done. Plus, I did all of my work for the week through Friday, so I may try to go and find a comfy chair somewhere. I know there has to be a comfortable chair somewhere where I can do my reading. All of this sitting on the floor has really gotten to me, I think. I just feel like I could use a good chair.

We had another student meeting today. It was kind of frustrating. Although we did get things decided, I felt like it was very rushed and that people weren’t listening to each other. One of the other girls here and I have talked about trying really hard to push a more Quaker-like community meeting, since technically they are supposed to be based on Quaker tradition. Hopefully we can find a way to make the meetings more positive. Although it may mean that the meanings are a little longer as we have to spend time thinking about what people have said instead of just jumping down each other’s throats, it will, in the long run, save time because no one will have to worry about having hurt someone else. Plus, there will be less confusion if everyone gets a chance to clearly state their opinion without being interrupted. I know I don’t have much room to talk since I’ve never been to anything other than a meeting for worship, but from talking to Bryan, I know that people aren’t supposed to act the way that we all were today. I definitely was just as guilty. It’s really difficult not to get dragged into the whole thing when everyone is talking really quickly and not truly listening.

I was having this conversation with the girl and we were talking about communication, and I explained how Bryan and I started addressing our conflicts differently, by calming down and talking and that we usually realized we were just looking at it different ways, not really disagreeing. In the middle of it she says, “Man, you sound just like a Quaker.” It is kind of funny, I guess, how people really do rub off on each other. I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. I only hope that I can make positive communication a bigger and bigger part of my life as I get older.

This weekend marks the beginning of Spring Break for everyone back home at W&M. It’s kind of strange to be on a completely different schedule. It’s weird to know that Bryan is getting to spend Spring Break with at my house, sleeping in my bed, and getting to eat my mom’s home-cooked meals while I’m in Japan. I just really hope that the break will be a positive time for everyone because I know how stressed out I usually get around midterms and I almost feel guilty about not having more work here. I mean, sure, I have more work I could be doing, always, but somehow it doesn’t seem so heavy here.

I had another cooking experience tonight. I learned to use a rice cooker. And believe me, it was a chore. I wasn’t exactly sure how to work it, so I set the timer. I come back 40 minutes later (which was the time that was recommended to me) and found that it was still cold. I wasn’t exactly sure why, but I knew that it was certainly not getting hot. I then realized that the rice cooker I was trying to use did not work. At this point, I’m really hungry, but not about to give up. I found out that there was another rice cooker downstairs and got that and set the time and came back to check it. It was hot, or at least hotter than the other one had been, but it still wasn’t really cooking. I didn’t know why and I couldn’t read the controls because they were in Japanese. I finally gave in and started playing with the settings. I left it on one of them and then I heard a loud click like 10 minutes later, I open up the rice cooker and my rice is done! What a relief. So now I know how to do it. I definitely am going to have to get a rice cooker for next year and eat a lot of rice and sushi. I will be spoiled by then though, and nothing back home will taste as good. I put the last sweet potato I had into the rice because it was getting close to needing to be eaten thrown away, and I didn’t want to throw it away. I added some cheese on top. It was definitely an interesting dish, but very good. Also very filling. I have snacked a lot less tonight than I usually do while I’m studying. I think it’s because I feel very, very full. I bought a decent sized bag of rice, so I think I’ll make rice for lunch and dinner as much this week as possible (with toppings, of course) so that I can try to cut back on the munching on junk food. It’s really bad for me and my body feels so terrible after I eat chocolate. I think I just have a habit of needing to do something while I’m studying and that usually ending up being eating because it’s convenient and doesn’t distract me too much. Tonight I had some dessert like an hour after dinner, but it wasn’t like a constant all-night eating.

On another positive note, I ended up with a little over $200 left from my stipend this month. That means that I didn’t even have to dip into my checking account for anything. This month I may have to, since I’m going to be taking Tai Chi and Shiatsu classes and hopefully seeing more of the city when the weather gets a little nicer. But it was cool to have my first money budgeting experience. At home I usually don’t worry about it too much, whereas here, I had to check every few days, just to make sure. It’s good to know that I can also watch what I’m spending, rather than going crazy just because I’m in a foreign country.

I still have a lot I need to get done tomorrow and Friday before I can really enjoy the weekend (which is my second Tai Chi and Shiatsu classes!) but I feel like I’m on the right track. But the right track also involves some sleep, so I’m going to go and get that now.

Music of the day: John Lennon- God, Sage Francis, Pink Floyd- Money, Dismemberment Plan- Following Through
Food: Rice, cheese, and sweet potato
Meditation/ inspiration/ thought of the day: positive communication
What I learned: There is a Shinto shrine dedicated to the Emperor Meiji, who the people of Japan believe became a kami (deity) after death, but that’s not the interesting part. Meiji was lauded for setting Japan on a path towards becoming a progressive, industrial nation so in part this shrine is to celebrate the industrialization of Japan, but at the same time it’s a traditional Shinto shrine. Somewhere in there, there is a contradiction, but I am not sure you guys back home will get it. I will have to explain in more detail sometime when I have a whole blog in which to do it. It has to do with how, although Japan does want to be a progressive nation, so many of the things that are really important to the country are related to its culture heritage, so sometimes these things intersect and overlap in a funny way.
Top priority: reading for independent studies as much as possible before the weekend.

eye towards beauty

Today we went up into the mountains on the edge of Kyoto in order to make paper. And by make paper, I mean we made the type of Japanese paper that has become so famous for being really well made, not just the type of paper you make back home from recycled notebook paper. This paper is made from the bark of trees. The guy teaching us had also taught Robin Williams and his wife and children how to make paper. So, now that I’ve met someone who has met Robin Williams, my contacts circle has expanded immensely.

We got to decorate our paper with some different paper flowers and objects. I was really sad that I didn’t have like dried four leaf clovers, because I would much rather have made something out of all natural things. He had some leaves…but I wanted to make my paper spring-ish, and the greener leaves were in bad shape from being fairly old. It will definitely be worth it to go back once the cherry blossoms start blooming and make paper decorated with dried petals and prettier greeneries. I am kind of sad though. A lot of the area studies we’ve had are things that I can come home and still do, but this paper making is something that I definitely won’t be able to do again unless I go back to this guy’s store.

While we were waiting for our paper to dry, we hiked up to the waterfall that was near the shrine up the mountain. Although the entrance fee into the shrine was 800 yen, there was a side street that led up to the waterfall and we didn’t have to pay anything. It was really beautiful. Watching the water stream down made me really think about things. When you’re watching a waterfall, one of the prettiest things about it is the white water that is churning, making it visible. Without this white water, the waterfall would be crystal clear, like water being poured from a pitcher. It is the craziness, the turbulence of the water that makes it so beautiful, yet at the same time, in the same waterfall, you have the water streaming down the edges, often at a much slower pace, that remains crystal clear. It made me think of the relationship between getting sucked into the rapid yet beautiful turbulence of everyday life and maintain clarity. I think that it is really hard to do both at the same time. In order to stay completely level headed, it is necessary to remove yourself from the pack to really be able to look at the situation. At the same time though…I don’t think that I like the idea of removing myself from a friendship just to recognize that I’m in one. But in truth, I feel like that’s what I’m doing here. I’ve removed myself from all of my friends and from all of the things that made my life back home so busy and full. And because of it, I am rediscovering feelings and friendships. I’m finding that clarity about things that didn’t seem to come so easily back at home. Maybe there really is something to be said for stepping out of your life for a day or two and really looking to see what’s there. I think it’s the only way we can clearly see what we miss through all of the white water.

The rest of the day consisted of being relatively unproductive and studying. I guess not much can top papermaking and hiking.

I did have a very helpful talk with one of the girls here about long term relationships. I was giving her advice, but realized I could certainly share it with myself and with everyone else. I feel like in a relationship, you have to keep going, growing everyday in your own direction as your own person. The relationship will grow with you as you and the person you are with find new ways to connect with each other. The second you stop and try to wait for the relationship to catch up, the relationship is not changing with you, you are changing yourself for the relationship. When that happens, the relationship can hold you back from pursuing your dreams and from continuing on your own desired life path. This type of sacrifice is something that I feel leads to a lot of frustration within long term relationships. The truth is, when that type of difficulty happens in a relationship, it is important to keep moving in your own direction at your own speed, regardless of the status of your relationship. Either the person you are in the relationship with will catch up to you, your paths will intersect in another, new way, or you will realize that you are outgrowing the relationship, and owe it to yourself to move on. I don’t think that this means that you have to give up on the relationship every time you disagree or realize that you are interested in different things. Arguments can be a tool conducive to relationship growth. It allows you to see the other person’s side as well as the passion that they have for it. The reconciliation period from an argument is a time when a couple can really grow. They are able to accept their partner’s views and see a different viewpoint. In the time that follows an argument, a couple is able to realize that although things are not always perfect, they care about each other even when they do not always agree. I also don’t believe that relationship growth is necessarily directly associated with the growth of either individual involved in it. The relationship grows at its own pace, regardless of whether both individuals are actively growing or not. It is a lack of growth in the relationship that causes someone to be held back from pursuing their dreams, not a lack of growth in the other person. Yes, perhaps this all sounds really silly, but when you are thousands of miles away from the friends and family whose relationships are most important to you, you realize that you could handle interactions with them in a very different way that would be healthier for everyone involved.

I feel like my digression from the day was long enough, so I will end this entry with a cooking note for Barbara, one of my teachers who has become interested in the saga of my struggle to learn to cook for the first time. I have a cookbook now, so I am going to hopefully pick out a recipe and go shopping for all of the involved ingredients, but tonight I was lazy. I cooked rice and put egg on top of it. The exciting thing is that a “lazy” meal for me would normally be a bowl of cereal. Actually making something hot for myself when I’m feeling lazy? That’s a huge improvement on where I was last semester. I think that learning to use a cookbook is the next step. And also learning to cook different types of eggs. I have made fried and scrambled, and feel confident about my skills and am ready to expand. But what other ways can you cook eggs?

Music equivalent of the day: the waterfall
Major purchase: souveniers from the paper shop
Food: egg and rice (tomago to gohan)
Meditation/ inspiration/ thought of the day: relationships and water
What I learned: how to make paper
Top priority: shopping