author of my own book

I got to talk to my mom and Bryan on the phone tonight, which is always a really good experience. I really do care about my family and my friends and it’s really cool that Bryan has been able to hang out with my mom over spring break and get some work done for her. I also really enjoy knowing that he’s gotten to be in a comfortable place with a family to take care of him, but one that is not his own…so that he can really feel concerned about doing his work instead of doing things with and for his family. Sometimes I think that vacations are hard, because you go home and want to relax, but just find yourself faced with another set of things which you must do. I think it’s really good to spend that time away from the stresses that come from being in your home or in your hometown sometimes. It allows you an opportunity to really relax without all of the usual temptations of home.

Bryan and I talked probably until 1 AM ish when I begged him to get off the phone. I think communication is good, but overdoing it is not so good. I then spent a few hours getting ready for bed and cleaning and reading Vonnegut. I read Welcome to the Monkey House earlier this week, but I really didn’t enjoy it that much. I thought that some of the stories were good, but all in all, they lacked something that made Cat’s Cradle and Breakfast of Champions stand out to me. Vonnegut forwards the book mentioning that many of the stories were written for financial reasons. I wondered if writing to support oneself and writing to write for the sole purpose of writing could be that different, but I already realized that the answer was yes. As much as I say that I would really like to write for a living, I think that relying off of that income makes a writer more prone to sacrifice him or herself for the purpose of making money. I have a friend right now who is living at the beach and writing poetry just to write it. I’m envious. I’ve always imagined that my life could be like that, but I have never gotten a chance, and I don’t know if I ever will. I think that I put too much pressure on myself to have a family and make a living that I can’t dedicate the time needed to write. Then again, if I am meant to write, perhaps a book will simply burst forth from me without me having any control over it at all.

I do know, though, that I have changed my writing style a lot, and I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing. I used to write witty short stories that twisted and turned and ended in shock but usually only ran a page or two. Now I write mostly descriptive poetry. I am not sure where my heart is, I simply know that I write to fit whatever mood I am in, searching for the form to best express that. Yet, if I am going to do a creative writing senior project, which I have considered, I don’t know which I would rather do.

Speaking of…I am considering changing my major. I feel like I have not been able to engage in much scientific activity since I’ve come to William and Mary. I don’t just mean doing experiments in a laboratory…but a certain type of critical thinking that accompanies the sciences that doesn’t exist in the humanities. I have had a social issues course this semester that has really allowed me to start thinking about the way that social constructions work, and I’m really interested. I’m considering looking into the Sociology and Psychology departments when I get back to school…but I am also curious as to whether I could use an LCST designation to incorporate women’s studies, psychology, and sociology into a secondary major that would supplement what I’m doing in my English major. I know that all of this means giving up philosophy, but I’ve realized that as useful as it is, I can’t live with the clouds in my head forever. Sometimes I like to have clarity. I feel like understanding people better and society better would allow me to have a little more of that.

Who knows how I’ll feel by the end of this semester, I just know that my academic life may be taking a drastic turn.