Friends, relationships, and thoughts

I had been looking forward to today. The last of the girls that are here this semester finally got in tonight. There are five of us, best as I can count. Two of the girls are involved in relationships and then there is myself and my two other dorm mates. Right now I am in my room finishing up my homework while the other two are giggling in the other room together. Apparently they knew each other from one of the other centers. I am a little disappointed, I guess, and kind of surprised about it. I was actually sad that I wouldn’t be able to get really close with any of the other girls here at the center. I have never really valued my female friends at school the way that I valued my guy friends….or rather, that’s wrong. I have valued my female friends, but I guess I never realized how much. I put my really important pictures up today. Bryan, my real family, and my sorority family. I always knew that my sisters were important to me, but I guess I didn’t realize how difficult it can be to find good girl friends.

Actually, on that note, I’d like to make a point. I know a lot of people are reading this back home, and I’ve been catching myself recently, trying to make sure that I won’t say anything that will hurt someone’s feelings or make them think that I’m not thinking of them. From now on I’m just going to free write what I’m feeling, and I hope you will all be conscious of the fact that I am never intentionally leaving anyone out of my thoughts or saying anything to purposively hurt anyone. I don’t want my journal time to be something that is stressful or difficult for me. I want it to be a time when I can really clear my mind of all of the things that are bothering me or are persistent thoughts by getting them out on paper.

So, the rest of the day then…My Japanese class was probably the best one that we’ve had so far. Everyone really wanted to learn today, I felt, so it was just a very positive class. Afterwards I took a shower, which is always a very good time to be alone with yourself and think or not think. I also feel much cleaner. Afterwards we had a class in sumi-e, which is Japanese ink painting. We painted a picture of the guy who founded Zen Buddhism as well as a picture of bamboo. I am pretty pleased with the way my drawings turned out and I’m hoping to do more of them while I’m here in Japan, although I am not sure what my natural inspirations would be. It is still so cold. I am ready for the flowers to start blooming. Although spring here is supposed to be plenty beautiful enough to wait for.

Speaking of waiting. It’s five days until Valentine’s Day now. I have had a succession of less than positive Valentine’s Days in the past few years, and I am really hoping this one will be better. It’s very difficult to be so far away from the people that you love and have a day like this that you could be sharing with someone special turn into an opportunity to miss them even more. I am trying not to do that, but it is difficult at times. I have tried to keep a very open positive mind about all of my relationships back home, especially my relationship with Bryan. I feel like it is silly for either of us to put our entire lives on hold just because we are away from each other. Both of us have to continue growing whether it is in the same or separate directions. I do not want him sitting at home worrying if I will or won’t approve of him doing something. I want him to every day be his own person so that when I come home I will get to learn about him all over again. I hope that I will also be a more fully capable person when I get home and that I will have grown into myself. I hope that he is as open minded about things as I am, but I have a feeling that he is even more so. I feel like what happens in each of our lives during this time period is not a reflection on our feelings for each other, but rather just the natural flow of events. Relationships in college can be very rewarding, but they can also be very scary. College is another step up in a person’s life, and a lot of people meet the person that they will marry in college. I have no intention of going and seeking out a marriage partner, but watching my friends get engaged and some of my older sorority sisters get married has made me realize that life does come up on you quickly. It has really made me re-evaluate the way I view a relationship with someone in college. As wonderful as it is to be in a healthy long-term relationship, I believe it is equally important for someone to maintain contact with other potential dates. I know it sounds silly, but comparison is really important. Often enough, people get suck in one type of relationship because it is all we’ve ever known, or they are with one person for such a long time that they have grown too comfortable to realize that they are unhappy. This is not the case for me. I am happy, but I also am not ready to sign any contracts. In so many ways, I do hope that Bryan dates other girls while I am gone. Sure, I’d love for his final conclusion to be, “wow, Ashley really is something special,” but I realize that if it’s not, it’s something that I’d like to know. Bryan is my best friend, and I don’t see that changing when I come home, no matter what has changed in our respective lives, but I do think that this four months will really give us a lot of perspective on which direction our relationship is headed. Some people here think that I am crazy for thinking that way, and maybe I am. I know though, that I would rather come home to a relationship strengthened by time apart than one put on hold because of it. That means going on with life. Taking opportunities as they come, however against the relationship they might seem. And I guess I mean this even more earnestly for Bryan than I do for myself. I have dated people who have been amazing and are still great friends of mine and I have dated people who have hurt me in ways I was not always aware of. I do not know how many of those experiences Bryan has had to compare our relationship to. I do hope that Valentine’s Day brings me love and affection from abroad, but more than anything, I hope this semester gives me an even greater gift: direction. Both within my life and within my interactions and relationships with other people.

I have done a lot of thinking tonight while studying in my room. I honestly think that I’m ready for my life. I am ready to let it be what it will be and live in it more fully every day. Tonight, I will meditate on the following:

If I am to love, may it be with my whole heart.
If I am to do, may it be with my whole soul.
If I am to live, let it be with every breath.
Let me be more fully in each moment as it happens.

Music of the day: Cake and Radiohead
Meditation/ inspiration/ thought of the day: relationships, plus the above meditation.
Top priority: making better friends here, keeping the ones at home